Sylvanna Devlin

When you hit depression it’s like sinking into a muddy pit you can’t see out of.

Everything slows down. Your body becomes heavier. Your appetite changes depending on if your body itself can be bothered. As our moods are felt everywhere.

Depression is biochemical but can be environmentally triggered. And there’s a tendency to complain that if the latter is at fault nothing can be done. I’ve made it myself.

I’m being bullied and harassed. What good can a med change do to resolve that?

Turns out that’s not the question to ask.

What can a med change do to help me cope with that.

Handling anxiety was one thing. But it took a chemical boost to my neurological-biochemical soup before I could see surviving it.

Which is not what my abusers want. But I’d rather get this message out.

No matter your stage; catatonic, functional, “what happened to my life?” Or hidden, you can benefit from medical assistance.

But it can be slow. So darn slow if you’re at the bottom rung. Then once you’re getting things done and emerging from the cave one of three things happens.

You don’t recognize yourself when happy. You don’t feel like you. And sink back.

You look at everything you have to do to get your life back together and sometimes it’s too much to cope with – the danger zone.

Or things are fine. Theoretically.

I’m bipolar but fear mania so much depression is preferable so I’ve climbed out of the pit a lot.

I’ve never emerged to a peachy world view.

But just not being depressed is enough of an achievement.

Motivation when at the bottom is challenging. Particularly to tidy your environment or keep your teeth clean.

Take your toothbrush and put it beside your bed. Brush your teeth from bed at the same time each day. If you can add floss or mouthwash great.

You can safely swallow small amounts of toothpaste but yuck. So I have a spit jar. Which is gross but less disgusting than rotting teeth!

Then there’s the environment.

One thing.

Just one small thing.

Like- open the mail.

That’s today’s task and you can sink in bed the rest of the day.

Tomorrow you’re going to throw away the envelopes.

Because things pile up during depression but in 30 days, 30 things will be quite a lot to pull yourself up.

And it’s annoying that environment and self care help when they’re the last thing we care about. But cleaning your teeth and tidying up are low hanging fruit and should be reached for.

Now I try to do 5 things a day.

And I moisturize (still from bed) because I enjoy that. And I made that and brushing my teeth and hair my morning and evening routine.

My mum has a trick that works for her. But I haven’t tried it.

Just do whatever task you need to for five minutes. Set an egg timer. You might even find out that’s all that’s necessary for unloading the dishwasher. Or you might find that after five minutes you can keep going.

But don’t stress if you don’t!

I am also a big fan of lists. Crossing things off a refreshable LED screen is so satisfying I have multiple so I can organize my lists!

Urgent or severely important, important, self care, and what I’m doing today. (I have two others but they don’t usually track life tasks)

I highly recommend an LED screen to-do list!

But most of all. Be mindful of your mood and seek psychiatric help if you start to show signs of depression. A broken feeling in the mind is more severe than a broken leg. It doesn’t make you lesser to get medication. It makes you brave.

Be brave. Even if you don’t feel you can be.

Take meds. Fix your biochemistry. Cope with your environment. Worry about changing it after.

Directing all my emotional eating into crisps because those are easier to give up.

Please stop lying about me.

What the F’ is wrong with you?

P.S

Please stop stealing my stuff.

P.P.S

Apparently reality abuse is afoot as is falsified audio and images. You disgust me.

I’ve given up hope before – and when hope dies, change. But I couldn’t stop an AI from chasing me. So a change in environment wasn’t going to solve anything. I felt trapped- unable to escape a vicious gaslighting troll bot and the building hen pecking.

And at that point most was pumped in.

Cumulative abuse was too much on top of everything I had been through. It shredded me down to nothing.

Tipped over the edge, after all I had been through, “no one can survive all that.”

And I couldn’t.

I see why the living complain about the suicidal and how those of us who are desperate for change can’t see another way. The former unable to relate to the reasoning of the latter.

Those who reached such desperation needed hope, and to get it back they need something to change, and the judgement of strangers doesn’t exactly help one feel better about surviving.

My family made a fuss of me. My mother sending what she could to cheer me up, many things that changed my immediate environment or to fool around with things like waxing or hair – as I view self care as caring for my physical self and appearance.

No I didn’t “feel pretty enough on the outside to feel pretty on the inside”.

Kind and caring I may be, I was seeped in depression and comments like that made worse.

While trying to avoid the edge again.

I couldn’t leave my location so it got better sorted out. And my body was addressed too. My technological needs provided for by me.

You can complain that the social security taxes I paid for years were already being used instead of retirement.

You can complain supplemental social security doesn’t really take that into account.

But you’re bitching about practical and near esoteric supplies for someone hacked, suicidal, and with little reason to live but the immediate hope things could improve.

Maybe you should think again.

The point being diverted from anyway. My family tried to make my situation change and when I recovered enough from my attempt- a good four months later. The hen pecking truly began.

I was bedridden for six months after pills really should have did me in. And I wasn’t going to survive a second attempt. But that didn’t stop others from trying to control me.

God I must be irresistible to controlling abusive types. I don’t even need a relationship or attraction for that.

And people wonder why I’m still single.

Now a new weapon is again being tested on me, and I truly became a bullseye for what everyone claimed was all of Portland.

But who could tell after all the gaslighting and attempts to snuff out my rebuilding fire.

I had been writing again – the spiritual books as initially a series of blog posts. And I had been delving into cognitive dysfunction and insults (not always related but sometimes)

I was moving on from deep examination of abuse. I had a work to do, releasing the ideas piece by piece and then brushed through into books.

As I’m disabled still that was really what I could contribute back.

But the hen pecking and cognitive abuse, the trollbot the demands and torture intensified with every word.

And the lies, my goodness the lies. Some obscene- all the work of a rebuked abuser. Because those who lose control spiral out with their behavior whether it lacks logic or not. (Usually it lacks logic)

So every word of compassion did nothing and every mention of dysfunction was blown out of proportion. No one was listening to what I said. Her words were more salacious.

Come now.

We all now need hope. That weapon is here in the world and buyers are tempted to use it to control their conquered populace – or will be so if it’s successful.

We need to come up with change together. Because otherwise our hope will permanently die.

The google prison I had been dumped in partially lifted today. I didn’t google what had happened to my names. But I did see more than reports on golf.

It might actually be worth subscribing to my favorite papers again as before they were too hacked if I looked.

What did I see?

World war Three.

Pardon the rhyme.

I, long ago, was pretty certain I was cursed to live in interesting times and I’m curious if there’s been anything else in American history.

What is happening in Portland is a new form of cyber warfare and excuses will be made by private citizens that they think Trump’s orders are bollocks and they have to take over.

They already seem to have difficulty accepting my digital signature is not theirs to use. And any AI trained with my writing is a digital bullseye for real intelligence services.

Are Intelligence services considering automated defense? I would be. I’m sure google would help to get them to stop hacking them.

But the longer I last the more development time they have and I need to consider the most patriotic thing I can do right now is stay alive.

And keep trying.

See who the anti-American looters are. As this isn’t about racial or financial injustice- but targeting the victim because everyone else is. It’s mob mentality and they hope to stop a weapon designed to be used in a world war.

I would like that too. But moving out or killing myself won’t help. I have to get better. Keep fighting. And though there are complaints for pointing out aiming at me is asking to be tracked back.

No one in the intelligence services really begrudges my attempts to survive. As long as I trust them they will trust me.

Then there is the basic fundamental truth. Using my writing has broken their weapon because it can be so easily traced. And American intelligence services can just hunt it down.

It would be better to stop.

But they’re gambling they can kill me. But that digital signature then belongs to United States of America’s intelligence services.

They really should stop.

On the other side of things: Quite a number of trained troops had to abandon post and I support that decision too.

There are bad orders that are questionable but then there are horrific ones and our troops have reached that point if they all want to live.

Warfare is supposed to go digital- that was the direction all assumed including the weapons designer who built the latest lethal trollbot.

But right now weapons on the ground are being aimed. Looking like the loss of lives in World War One will be matched by losses in world war three.

So the arseholes experimenting on me and now Portland are probably going to argue that targeting leaders with troll-bots saves lives.

But frankly the Geneva Convention needs to be updated to include psychological torture.

The abuse is too much and it was tested on mentally ill and financially vulnerable individuals. Ones the wealthy designers thought only valuable as targets.

We need to prove them wrong. But right now the divide and conquer they seek to prove is working here. I do little to bother anyone- I was driven into a froth at one point. But that was unusual.

However I mutter. Or did. And someone hooked in and everyone listening grew frustrated and gaslighted and demanded instead of simply pointing out what was happening.

I don’t respond well to gaslighters making demands. Or unjustified orders. Manners matter because I don’t “step in line” with anyone.

Which is why I’m still alive.

We need to avoid war. But we also need to avoid becoming worse than those we claim to be against.

And what, pray tell, is the justification this time for war? Whose side are we on?

It’s worrying indeed.

I was getting fed up with the cumulative abuse and turned to getting personal myself. Mostly by repeating someone was a stupid bitch when discussing them with the ether. Or finally asking someone to think more thoroughly “you stupid woman”. Neither is abuse to anyone who has actually been through emotional or reactive abuse. But it’s not exactly nice either.

I do feel the need to point out that insults- as painful as they can be – are a separate idea from abuse. While reactive abuse needles and wheedles with barbs and baiting those insults are cumulative. And often deliberately directed at a specific and personal wound. Usually ignoring boundaries in the process.

Same as an individual insult intended to wound but a part of a taunting group that is deliberately cruel.

That said, as much as one might want to offer a nasty reply. It is counterproductive and doesn’t help your soul feel any better about being attacked.

Meanwhile they get what they want and sing and crow that “[victim’s name here] is abusive.”

Again, separating abusive language from being abusive. The idea an insult on its own could be considered abusive language is new – and being spread by abusers at the same time they deny anything amiss.

So long as they just wound at the only objective insult is “stupid bitch” – as they’ve said to me – they think they come of smelling like roses.

“Come back to reality”

And

“You’re not that smart”

Are very frequently used forms of baiting and snapping back, depending on the user. Indeed we need to truly tease apart the insult cycle is to see which persons version is purely about power and control (which can seem innocuous to outsiders). And which is the reaction.

As an example (so nasty) an invasive hacking AI is reading off everything I type, and my abusive neighbor did a;

*Giggle. Giggle.* “Sylvanna is writing down everything he says.”

In actuality he’s reading from me and occasionally correctly using predictive text and I’ve been trying to ignore him.

Thunderstorms time.

Surrounded by such cumulative bad behavior one would feel like swearing. But it isn’t getting me anywhere.

I was supposed to be free from being targeted. It was supposed to be over for me. Moved on to the next victim.

But no.

Some [unsavory individual] started the trollbot back on me. And I’m just waiting for the day even a polite rebuke is called abusive by the kind of abusive arseholes who are good at shifting blame.

Maybe they’ll be lucky and drive me to suicide again.

No privacy on my phone, in my room, my words shared as I’m writing them, and the rebuke of reactive abuse is now apparently that which I am rebuking.

How do you exit it while being chased by claims you should “get off your high horse.” Apparently being “above it all” requires a Clydesdale. But that is indeed what needs to happen.

Be better.

Be more mature

Have better things to do.

And remember (as I think I pointed out originally was written in in Gavin DeBeckers’ book. The gift of fear.), why waste energy on someone you don’t even like?

I’m not exactly afraid of much beyond never getting the end of being the Troll-bot target. That and the intellectually inhibited bothering me till I swear and say something back. As requesting respect doesn’t work on bots or the intellectually inhibited!

Then it or they get what they want which is a frothing mess.

Why?

Who cares. I need out and just writing about it on my blog now has them becoming a dangerous frothing mess. Not my intent though- fair as some would see it.

I’m actually searching, through prayer (I believe in god, I’m just not Christian) meditation and maybe even a little magic. I will indeed get back to this point when I’ve had the last laugh.

If the lethal trollbot kills me there will be a new bullseye.

If the women around here drive me to suicide they’ll never recover

And I wager abusing me so heavily I sink close to the edge again will weigh on them too.

Read everything on my blog about coping with this, and what has already been done to me.

Because while no one gets a cookie for a worse lot in life, you don’t exactly get cake for adding to that misery either.

Of course what they’d really like is for Progressive Portland to tear each other apart by arguing about me.

Can’t you go back to zubmondo?

It’s not that I’m ungrateful for those defending me. More that perhaps the other side could settle down.

I’ve lost track of the number of destructive periods these terrorists have put me through- all claiming to be new to the weapon.

It wasn’t quite true anyway. Some had been at it quite a while.

Backing off when I began to struggle with a deeper depression and a sense of being unable to bother trying to get better.

The new crop is lying and saying they will stop if I only obey them. But they don’t actually. Or the obedience they seek is unacceptable to me (and anyone in my position) and they still wouldn’t stop.

I was, earlier, doing absolutely fuck all and they started in on us. So it’s certainly not me aggravating the situation.

Unless you count trying to be less depressed.

They don’t stop if I go to the hospital- they follow me to the hospital where very vulnerable people are, both in the psychiatric unit, and the ER I would need to go through.

They don’t stop till I’m near dead as far as activity goes – barely able to care for my surroundings.

Everyone gets fed up of my words of suicide- but they don’t actually stop till I seem on the verge of actually following through.

Then they back off till I start to improve.

And I can’t believe I bother trying again.

But here we are.

Now we’ve established the insult cycle and my particular situation. Let’s go into the bots favorite insult.

When I am actually able to avoid replying or even wanting to (as these days I do a better job until they are so incinderary

“Have I finally broken your spirit.”

Good grief it is a powerful attempt at clawing me back. If I’ve remained calm up to that point anger will ripple below the surface.

I am again being harassed by an AI trained with my writing. Even the thunderstorm was invaded.

I was instantly furious and stated “are you quite done you assholes, there abusive language now fuck off.”

While they argue about reactive abuse and what to post. I find this a good beginning to handling an invasive level abuse that even contains watching and commenting on when (if I can) masturbate.

Now they’re crying and claiming they’re new. They must be if they think they won’t be cited as a good (negative) example.

So here is a point I need to exit this cycle because I want to swear at them endlessly. But they’re “too stupid” not to call me “too stupid” like I don’t know about the GUI. Attempts to hack apple, Microsoft, google, Amazon and whatever bank I use. (On top of attempts to break into PayPal)

Threats to kill my cat are both not new and more believable than they think with a killer troll-bot kicking out cash.

Someone here is already malicious.

And has it out for me.

So yes, I would snap at them.

They do think themselves cleverer than the last bunch. Oh how they do. And find it annoying I know the government will be tracking them down soon enough.

Though I find the new gaslighting “Nigel belongs to the government” unique. Do tell which part are you hacking?

So right, the desire to stay calm is always thwarted by the emotionally stunted experiments on someone these experiments killed last year.

I’m just the survivor of death. A suicide attempt that should have been successful but experimental surgery saved my life. I had met God. It was over.

But science had other ideas.

(As stated so long ago I’m still surprised if anyone forgot. But we have new contenders learning how to use the torture settings on the Troll bot.

Like the fibromyalgia frequency, needing in the brain, pure decibels that already caused my ear canals to collapse after being tortured by an even louder experiment back in 2023

Maybe the one that knocks me out – or the other that stimulates suicidal feelings.

I have (several times now) been through them all and am now confident targeting me puts a bullseye on your computer.

So go ahead and expose your servers. I’d rather not go through this again. And I’m really both too busy and not busy enough for this.

Oh as a reminder. The United States Intelligence Services have full permission to use my entire digital signature, past present and future, to stop criminal activity including terrorism.

Meanwhile I have to start a new post. As this one has got to go up a bit sooner.

I had forgotten how hard it is to avoid the desire to flatten reactive abuse.

Just a sad selfie. (Literally)